A LETTER TO MYSELF.

How is it October?
How has it been well over a week since I blogged?
How is it days before I pack up my life and move apartments?
How is it 2 weeks before I leave the country for an entire month?
How is that my new little niece will be here in less than 2 months?

WHAT. THE. HECK.

Dear Life/Tonhya,

Please slow down. Pretty please.
I ask you this all the time…but this time I reaaaally mean it. You’re moving too fast and I can’t catch up. Weeks are blurring together. Days are going by in the blink of an eye. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be quicker, better, more balanced. I really am trying. This is all still new to me and I’m figuring it out. I’m learning so much and I’m taking notes…things to do, things not to do. I know I’m not the only one, right?

I’ve found myself in a funny place. I hear it’s called a “rut”. I tend to get this way when I’ve put too much on my plate. Yes, I said it…I’m keepin it real, I’ve put too much on my plate…but I don’t want to come off as complaining. I’m not. I’ve let one of my favorite things turn into a “chore” and I’ve pushed it to the back burner. Blogging that is…I use to blog freely. I use to blog without thinking or caring about who would read it. I use to blog as a way of expressing myself, writing out feelings, sharing pointless discoveries, and just connecting with people. I use to blog images proudly and now I’m always second guessing myself. I’ve fallen into the sick trap of seeking approval through what images I blog. What an awful little place to be stuck in. The constant worry, the over-thinking…how silly. I thought I knew better.

And what’s with feeling like I’m walking in someone else’s shadow? I know the consequences of letting myself compare to others, yet I do it…over and over again. Sometimes I worry it will never go away. That’s just the honest truth. Like I said, I’m still figuring it out…I’m trying to surround myself by those who I feel I can let those walls down with. Those who love me regardless.  I’m embracing that it’s okay not to be everyone’s cup of tea. I’m even carrying this over into my business…I know I’m not for everyone. But when I do find those couples who love me, something magical happens. That’s the way it should be…that’s the way it will be from here on out.

A letter to myself just makes sense right now. I know it’s all over the place…I know it’s not perfect. I know I’m a work in progress…and that this whole “owning and running a business” thing will always be a challenge. It’ll get easier. Things will iron out. Right?

And Tonhya, you WILL get back to a place where blogging was fun. A place where you write freely and openly. A place where you’re not comparing yourself to others and worrying about what people will think/say. That place is a nice place…I can’t wait to get back to that place.

Yours truly,
Tonhya

xoxo.